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Don’t paint your toenails; he doesn’t like that, either. At nineteen I found myself wanting him to desire me. To say, Yes, I like that, and Do that to me, and to be completely open with my body, wanton — I’m reclaiming what I wasn’t allowed to want and feel, which of course only heightens the desire. People I’m drawn to are strong, a bit masculine, a little mentally unstable (I can be the nurturer), self-confident, funny, and aggressive …Did I invite him to treat me the way he did that Thanksgiving more than twenty years ago? In the dozens of porn films I’ve dubbed from Italian into English, I think I’ve seen one couple that had that chemistry. Okay, you guys, I know it’s your first day, but I can’t hear you. I think my obsession with communication, desire for real intimacy, is directly related to never knowing from one moment to the next if my mom was going to be Carol or Kitty.The first thing that hits you when you walk out to the Boardwalk on Deck 6 is the smell of the hot dog stand, and the grilled peppers and onions served with its impressive array of sausages.

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" data-medium-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/cardinals-fans.jpg? When you’re an extra, the novelty of being in a big production soon gives way to mind-numbing boredom. My range of acting consisted of standing still and slowly moving my head as Jude Law walked by me. My last shooting, near Vittoriano (Mussolini’s Typewriter) on Piazza Venezia. w=730" src="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/palazzo-venezia.jpg? w=1280" alt="Palazzo Venezia" class="size-full wp-image-2790" srcset="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/730w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/palazzo-venezia.jpg? w=620" src="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/mussolini-balcony.jpg? w=1280" alt="Palazzo Venezia and Piazza Venezia during one of Mussolini's speeches." class="size-full wp-image-2791" srcset="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/620w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/mussolini-balcony.jpg?

w=1024" src="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/cardinals-fans.jpg? w=1280&h=960" alt="Viewers won't notice us individually but tourists sure did one day as we walked to work." width="1280" height="960" class="size-full wp-image-2788" srcset="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/cardinals-fans.jpg?

I feel shameful for desiring something I know is twisted. I’m sure my ex-husband, Jaume, would have liked me to look at him that way. Maybe by watching these uninhibited women for so many years, I’ve come to see it as normal — why couldn’t you be “base” with someone if there was mutual attraction? You’ve got to make some noise, or these scenes are really boring to watch. Break it up with some “Oh yeah baby,” “Fuck me harder,” “Suck my dick,” “Lick my pussy.” You know. Carol was the repressed post-1950s mother, scaring me out of having sex, leaving me newspaper clippings in my bathroom drawer about prim-and-proper young ladies dying from AIDS upon losing their virginity, telling me, “When you sleep with someone, you’re giving yourself away,” and “Once they’ve had sex with you, there’s no challenge anymore and they lose interest.” And Kitty I would find passed out, face down on my bed when I came home with my boyfriend, unable to wake her.

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I started to feel normal in my roasting, four-layer cardinal outfit with the frilly white shirt. " data-medium-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=225" data-large-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=768&h=1024" src="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=768&h=1024" alt="My last shooting, near Vittoriano (Mussolini's Typewriter) on Piazza Venezia." width="768" height="1024" class="size-large wp-image-2789" srcset="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=300" data-large-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/palazzo-venezia.jpg? w=150 150w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/palazzo-venezia.jpg? w=300 300w" sizes="(max-width: 730px) 100vw, 730px" /Palazzo Venezia and Piazza Venezia during one of Mussolini’s speeches. w=300" data-large-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/mussolini-balcony.jpg? w=150 150w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/mussolini-balcony.jpg? w=300 300w" sizes="(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px" / At least the venue was nice.

w=768&h=1024 768w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=1536&h=2048 1536w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=113&h=150 113w, https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/john-vittoriano.jpg? w=225&h=300 225w" sizes="(max-width: 768px) 100vw, 768px" / Being an extra is like being a bird. “Be calm.” Palazzo Venezia " data-medium-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/palazzo-venezia.jpg? " data-medium-file="https://johnhendersontravel.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/mussolini-balcony.jpg? We filmed my last two days in Palazzo Venezia, the 15th century palace where Benito Mussolini would tell his throng about the next third world African nation he’d invade.

You do nothing for hours and then must provide a few moments of window dressing before flying away without being noticed. Take the cardinal whose cell phone went off twice during one of Law’s speeches. We did about 10 takes of Law walking through us in a ballroom. Davide, his kind and patient assistant, came over and I told him my error before he did. Mussolini’s balcony is on the second floor of the huge brown stone facade facing sprawling Piazza Venezia.

Or the cardinal who wouldn’t stop talking after “ACTION! During the five rehearsal takes, we had to all turn around as he passed us and watch him walk at the end of the room. I turned completely around and stared as if watching a taxi leave me in the rain. The balcony sits out from the building like Mussolini’s jaw.

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